6/5/04 - "A break-up."

Well, it's done. Anthony and I are officially broken up. There were no big messy fights, in fact there was little passion to it at all. I did cry, which one would think to be odd seeing as I've been planning this conceptually for a long long time and recently have even known that today was likely to be the day (hence the allusion to "big news" in yesterday's entry). But I cry at death, or death-like change, and this was the death of our relationship, so no matter how prepared I was it still affected me. And now that's over, the preparation is kicking in a bit more. On Thursday I almost asked him if he just wanted to break up over the phone right then to save the gas it would take for him to drive up to do it in person. But I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't, I was mad then and probably would have said some things I'd later want to take back. I was mad last night too, but he was passed out so talking was kind of out of the question. So we did it this morning, with clear heads and a cool countenance, and now he's gone. And I'm single. And... I don't know. I'm sad, but I'm happy too.

For those interested in more of a play-by-play, here are some more details of what lead up to it, how it went down, thoughts on the future...

Thursday night we were talking on the phone and I asked him if he was going to come to my brother's graduation, which as someone who knows my brother decently well and is acquainted with that side of my family, AND who was supposedly in a long-term relationship with me, he should go to. But he said that he didn't want to, and wouldn't give me any sort of reason whatsoever. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something to the effect of lamenting this "mythical boyfriend" I seem to have yet see no trace of. He didn't say anything. When we hung up I was convinced, this was it. Then we talked again later that night, and didn't bring it up and didn't have any altercation really but also didn't say anything too positive, but I didn't have the same conviction I had had after our earlier conversation.

Friday during the day I felt like maybe I should give it a chance, like if I aired my grievances and we just worked on things, we might work it out... and when he picked me up from work Friday evening I was thinking more things along those lines. But then as the night progressed I realized there was no chance. A large part of that was him drinking a bottle of Mad Dog and passing out on the couch at 10. I mean, seriously, drinking when it's just the two of us speaks volumes. Obviously he had no interest in spending time with me. He didn't have a rough day, he got out of work before noon and spent the day at Point Defiance park (a big park/zoo in Tacoma). I repeatedly turned down invites from other people because we were finally going to spend some real time together, and he did that. Which, while infuriating at the time, was in retrospect almost kind of him, because that was the final straw that made me realize it had to be done and done now. That I couldn't put off the inevitable any longer, working anything out would only be temporary. I decided that today would be the day.

He eventually woke up enough to get off the couch, take out his contacts, and go to bed. Sleeping together was awkward (and I do mean just sleeping, we haven't done anything "intimate" in nearly a month), the distance between us was practically tangible. We woke up this morning, him before me because I went to sleep a lot later, and things were okay. He was being kind of playful, trying to wake me up and me rolling over and hiding and whatnot, because he always wakes up first and I always want to sleep more and it's kind of a game between us. We watched some Saturday morning cartoons. We were both acting detached. I was trying to think of what to say... I'm not good at breaking up with people, I never bother to do it. With people I was just seeing casually, there were few I even bothered to officially tell that I wasn't seeing them anymore, I just kind of stopped returning their phone calls... and yes I know that makes me a horrible person, but I was young and... well I was young. I'd like to think I wouldn't be quite so callow faced with a similar situation in the future. The only actual break ups I've had were with Thor and Cory, and with Cory it was a very odd circumstance, most people don't even know that whole story, and well now isn't the time to get into it. Thor was also not what I'd consider to be a typical break-up, just because it was mutual but we were also mutually upset by it, and we kind of consoled eachother in our self-inflicted misery. So yeah, I had no experience to draw from in going about breaking up with Anthony.

He turned off the cartoons and we sat on the couch in silence for a bit, as I struggled to find the words to begin. While I sat there lost, he said, "Aislinn, I don't think we should go out anymore." And I just looked at him and said, "Me too." There were a lot of long silent pauses. He asked if there was anything else, and I said "Why fight about things when we already both think that we should break up over them?" He nodded in agreement. More silence. I asked about being friends, and he said that he'd like to, if I was willing. A long time ago he said he wouldn't want to be friends if we broke up, which I brought up, but he said "I guess I changed my mind," or something like that. I mentioned that we never went swimming; that was an ongoing thing with us, plans to go swimming that never came through. He said that we still can, later, when it's warmer.

We made plans to see eachother three weeks from now, which is the weekend after he gets back from Maryland and before he may or may not go to California to visit Evan (also known as Bailey) for the 4th of July. Originally we were supposed to take that trip together, but the plans (rather conveniently, I suppose) fell apart. I'm still going to try to make it California sometime this summer to visit Joseph, I'm not sure when exactly though. Now I don't have to plan it around another person... that's going to be the biggest difference of being single as opposed to part of a couple, honestly, that I'll be able to plan just around myself. There will be no one to run everything by first. Which is sad, that that's the biggest change I could think of, but that fact as also played a role in my recent contemplations. I don't know, like I said, I cried, I cried a lot actually, but then afterwards I was almost elated. It was like there was a big weight lifted off of me. Anthony stayed for a while. We talked about a few things, future plans and whatnot. He said that he still wants to go to at least one day of Bumbershoot with me and Corey (the one that lives in Bellingham, who we went to Bumbershoot with last year). I ate some leftover pizza. He said he was pretty tired, too tired to drive home right away, so I took a shower and he watched CNN. When I got out of the shower I went back, we watched some tv together, talked about inconsequential things, we were even joking and laughing. Then he said he guessed it was time for him to get going. And I seized up a bit, like okay this is really it, but I also agreed, it was time for him to leave, it was time to start the day, alone. So we hugged one last time, I told him to have a good time in Maryland (though he doesn't leave for over a week), he said thanks and that we'd talk soon. And he left.

Then I came and started this. I haven't even called anyone yet. I don't know who to begin with. Probably Shelley, then my mom. Then my brother and/or dad, because I have to let them know that Anthony won't be coming for the graduation. A couple weeks ago my dad made a big deal of putting Anthony in their address book, because it had been over a year... as he was doing it I didn't have the heart to mention that I wasn't sure it would be relevant much longer, plus I wasn't really sure what was going to happen or when, but... yeah. As silly as this sounds, one of the things I've been dreading most about breaking up is having to tell everyone that we're broken up. My whole family - family members here have met him and family members back east have all seen his picture and heard about him. Everyone at work knows him, asks about him. Linda was even praying for him while he was in Thailand, because it was supposed to be kind of dangerous there. This should serve to tell most of my friends; I'll see Deanah on Monday and tell her about it then, and I guess everyone who doesn't read this will just find out as I talk to them. I'm probably being melodramatic, but it just feels like such a huge deal, and like everyone I've ever met would care to know or something. They obviously wouldn't, but that's how I feel.

I'm planning on being single for a while. If I start dating again before September, yell at me. Tell me how being in a relationship makes me want to run away from myself all the time. How it kills romance. How it makes me resent the other person for holding me back. How fat I get when I feel secure that someone loves me. And then how I resent them for loving me enough to let me get fat.

Please don't mention how nice it is to know that you never have to scramble for Friday night plans. How great it feels to sleep next to someone, to wake up with them in the morning. Completely avoid any statements referring to feeling safe in someone's arms, or how nice it is to whisper "I love you" in someone's ear, like it's a secret just between the two of you. Because those things really don't help.