Wednesday, March 5, 2008

11/28/06 - "More on that guy. Jeez, I'm wordy when feeling jilted."

I don't think Rocky Votolato sounds like the Gin Blossoms anymore.

I feel even sicker now. Part of it is probably because I was drinking last night. Part of it is because I still can't really eat, and my stomach being empty just makes it more upset. The other part is that I was right. The girl that I thought it was? Lindsay confirmed that it's her. How did I know? He omitted to mention that she was in his apartment once. He told me that Patrick and Alan were up there watching a movie, but didn't say Christina. I was with Johnny at the time, and Johnny commented that was strange, where did Christina go? She was there, of course. At the time I was willing to write it off as maybe he didn't realize I had already met her and would know who she was. But it stuck with me, and other vibes I got while hanging out with them both, and now it really doesn't seem this was as "sudden" as he claimed, considering I noticed this on November 15th, a full week before he claims anything happened with her. Which makes me feel more stupid, for trusting him instead of my instincts.

Want to hear the funny part? Before she moved here, Dave and I went out to dinner in the U-District, and I was feeling rather introspective after watching a movie about dying, and he made a joke about me thinking too much. Later, while he waited with me for a bus, we were faced with a gaggle of skinny, over-coiffed, underdressed twinks, who were babbling about something inconsequential, and who happen to be dead ringers for Christina. I motioned to them and said, "Would you rather I was like that? Because if so, we might as well end it right here, because it'll never happen." He replied, "No, no, they're nice to look at, and sometimes nice to have sex with, but that's about it." Hilarious, right? Now he has his very own, practically living in his apartment (now she doesn't have to share a bed with Patrick! How convenient!), and apparently the irony is completely lost on him.

Maybe I just need to be mean again. I used to treat boys pretty badly. Like they were expendable. I was uncompromising when it came to what I wanted. One of the hardest things to hear from Joey after we broke up was that he felt like he was my slave. I didn't want to be like that. Then I jumped into things with Chris, and carried over some of that characteristic. I pulled a few "my way or the highway" moves with him, but felt bad for it. When we ended things, that was a huge reason for my boyfriend moratorium. I was tired of jumping from relationship to relationship, and I was tired of being such a bitch to boys that I cared for. Shouldn't they be the ones I'm nicest to?

I dated casually for a while, and did a pretty good job avoiding emotional entanglements. I was smarter than that, I thought. Sex is just sex, it's for fun. No heartbreak, and no need to be particularly considerate of these guys either; I mean hey, they weren't my boyfriend. Then the whole thing with Bo, which was obviously emotional for entirely different reasons (and also oddly unemotional... something I'm sure I'll have to come to terms with eventually), and then being freaked out by things of that nature, and then... a string of mostly drunken, irresponsible choices. But hey, at least it was fun, and I didn't have to deal with any messy feelings. I started to have an actual crush on Will, and was a little bummed when he didn't reciprocate, but nothing even approaching tear-worthy. Then I met Robert, and had a burst of hey-this-person-is-awesome-I-want-hang-out-with-him-all-the-time! Which, regardless of how it all turned out, was a nice thing to feel again. I had sort of forgotten what it was like to be so excited about someone. But, despite the great beginning, things spiraled quickly, and I was able to, rather painlessly for me (to the point that his pleas started to simply anger me, fueling my resolve), extricate myself from the situation. Meeting Eric at the time also made it easier. Now I fear that Dave feels towards me what I felt towards Robert - I was so happy to be with Eric, the idea of Robert struck me as ludicrous, as did the feelings he professed to have for me. If lighthearted myspace quizzes are indicative, Dave appears to be practically giddy over this transition from me to her. Sort of like I was with Eric. Ugh. There's that sick feeling again.

Why am I constantly plagued by bad relationship karma? Here was my second earnest attempt at earning good karma, thrown back in my face just like the first. I was upbeat, I was supportive, I gave more than I took, and I followed what I've now come to regard as the relationship golden rule: Leave them better than you found them. Someone told me once that our highest responsibility in a relationship is to leave them better than you found them-- that no matter what goes down, even if you end up not speaking, as long as you leave them better than you found them then you've done your duty, and I really took it to heart. I feel I've done that twice over now; will I ever get it back? Or is bad karma the only kind that comes to pay its respects?
So, what have I learned: that when you come to a relationship openly and with your guard down, when you give it your attention and your respect and, out of respect for the other person, stop fooling around with other people, they trample all over you. But, if you ignore someone, while simultaneously seeing other people, and don't give a shit about any of it? They'll keep begging for more. This isn't something that I'm okay with - do I have to be labeled a "hopeless romantic" or some other cliche to reject this lesson?

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