Tuesday, March 4, 2008

3/24/03 - "I am a person who grieves."

I feel like crying right now but I'm too physically drained to manage it. Maybe once I go to bed and I'm not expending energy on seeing, or typing, or listening, then I'll be able to muster tears. A friend basically told me not to worry so much, that everything always works out, and I know this, I know God has a plan and that everything will always be for the best, but this knowledge isn't helping me. Or maybe I'm not letting it help me. I just know that I may be losing something, nay someone who is so much more important to me than I told myself or anyone else and I just refused to realize that importance until I'd sabotaged it all... a silly case of not knowing what you've got until it's gone... and I don't know how to do this. I'm not good at losing. I'm so lost and helpless and I don't want to reach out to people because I don't want to admit how badly I've failed. And it's late at night and I know I'll regret saying this all on here and not in my real journal, but I think I like the impermanence of saying it here rather than there, because in there I have to own up to it all and all my words can be compared against the words that came before them and it just makes it all so painful and real. I got into an argument of sorts about my dislike for the practice of using drugs or alcohol or video games to avoid reality, but I have to admit that that's an avoidance I embrace, my real journal is in my underwear drawer where I get one fleeting glance at it per day and that's the only reminder of how I am hiding from the harsh and jilted former me who is so mad at the current me for wasting so much potential... And that's all I'm going to say, I've got to go to bed. At least because it's all in one big block it's unlikely that many people will really read or understand what I've written, hoorah for attention spans of kittens.

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