Wednesday, March 5, 2008

12/7/06 - "Oh, nostalgia."

There is a name from my past that I cannot remember for the life of me, and in an effort to find it I went back to the very beginning of my livejournal. It's not there, though I know it is in my paper journal from that time, so when I get home I'll have to scare that up. Anyway, looking for the name started me on reading all these old entries, including the first one ever (which was about TaTu, and girls kissing... I'm retarded), and then the entries about when I first started dating Anthony, and the drama over whether to accept Cory's offer to fly me to Maine, and Nick the intern who I had a crush on, and all these things that were my life at the time, but that I had since practically forgotten. That was three-and-a-half years ago. It feels like a decade. It feels like it wasn't really me, it was just some movie I watched. There was a play-by-play of a week spent with Anthony and others after he returned from Thailand the first time, and when I was writing it up the detail seemed like overkill, but now, being able to read it and remember from it, I'm glad that I included the detail that I did. I wish I had done that more often. Many of my paper journal entries skim over the details, because I thought the event was so major, I would always remember; my feelings at the time were more important than the circumstances that led to them. But now I wish I had the details - out of the context of the details, which I don't remember, I can't place myself back in the moment and understand why I was feeling what I did. Why I would need to do that I'm not sure, but it seems like I should be able to.

Something else in my lj history that I wasn't expecting to find: the details of my last meeting with a classmate that has since died. When I found out about his death, I recalled running into him, but little else. In the lj entry, I actually mention things about our last conversation. It was his 20th birthday that day. By 22 he was dead, from cancer, and left a baby behind. I'm still writing journal entries about boys and work and inanity, and he's dead. It doesn't really seem fair; though I would be lying if I said I'd rather our places were switched.

This morning began with a myspace message from someone I briefly dated over a year ago, and with whom I haven't spoken in nearly a year. He apologized for running away (we had stopped dating but agreed to be friends, and a while after that made dinner plans - he flaked and then never returned my calls) and said he found a cd of mine that he wanted to return to me. A couple of days ago, while sending out myspace invites for the party, I came across him on my friends list, thought "oh wow, I wonder what he's up to," and checked out his page. That was all - I didn't send him an invite. It's weird how, so much later, we could both think of each other at about the same time. I've been looking for that cd, too. We weren't dating or anything when he disappeared, and I knew that he had done similar things before, so I wasn't particularly surprised or hurt. He's not someone I think of often - there are a few songs that remind me of him, and a few sexual experiences I look back upon fondly, and that's really the only time he comes up. But getting that message from him this morning made me feel really good. At the time, I was peeved for a day and then probably found something else to pay attention to - it wasn't a major moment in my life. This wasn't an apology I needed in any way, yet it still felt pretty nice to hear.

That prompted me to wonder - should I be making my own apologies for the past? This isn't my first contact from someone I used to be affiliated with, apologizing or wanting to say hello or whatever, after a long enough time that I wouldn't have expected to hear from them again. I commented to Johnny this morning that apparently I am "easy to leave, but hard to forget." If those that feel they've slighted me in some way still remember me, what about those I may have slighted? They're not going to look me up to ask for an apology, obviously, but would it improve their day if I looked them up and offered one?

I looked up one of them. He wasn't hard to find. This is from years ago, around the time I graduated high school... and I really acted immaturely and without any regard for him at all. I was so into Cory, I didn't care that this boy had been missing me while I was gone - I made fun of him, and complained about what an inconvenience his feelings were for me. The last time we spoke was probably August of 2002 - I was supposed to call that September when I got home from Maine, but doubt that I did. This is a prime example of me earning some of that bad relationship karma I mentioned before. And I don't recall feeling very bad about it. I chocked it up to "being young" and filed it under "learning experiences." I sincerely doubt this guy is holding a grudge - it's been over four years, and he's not insane (not to my knowledge, anyway), but maybe it would feel nice if I threw a little "Sorry I was a child, how have you been?" his way? Or has it been too long? Is there a statute of limitations on these things? I'm not sure. Maybe no sorry, just a how are you? Sorry might imply I've been regretting this the whole time, and I haven't been. It wasn't really on my radar at all. But when I thought of who I may want to make reparations to, he was the first person that came to mind. Perhaps my subconscious was a little more sorry than I thought?

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