So tonight my mom and I had a date of sorts (Thai food and a movie, she paid). Despite my sound recommendation that we go see A Very Long Engagement, she really wanted to see Sideways, and I couldn't think of a reason not to see it besides "I think old people have sex in it," which I didn't want to voice because my mom knows of my aversion to old people fornicating (OPF) and likes to exploit it, so I agreed.
I am never allowed to go against my OPF radar again. I was SO right.
Sandra Oh, who is actually hot, would have been okay to see naked. But no, in her sex scene you get to see Thomas Haden Christiansen's cellulite-ridden butt cheeks. Thankfully, Paul Giamatti's sex scene is tastefully implied with a closed door and later reference to "fucking" (old people swearing is okay, as long as they don't say something like "I was fucking Betty White in her asshole and her fucking nipples kept beating me about the fucking belly-button." That's not okay.). Though, lucky us, we were treated to not one but TWO shower scenes with him. He's a great actor. He's not a great naked actor. Know who's a good naked actor? Brad Pitt. That boy deserves a Naked Oscar. But I digress.
And yeah, if you go see it, beware the most disturbing full-frontal male nude scene yet recorded on film. It involves hair, and a gut, and being pressed up against a car window. I think a little piece of my libido died tonight.
Anyway, when fully clothed the actors are actually quite enjoyable. I'll admit to laughing at multiple occasions. There's way too much wine talk, though. Some of it's funny, and one conversation between Paul Giamatti and Virginia Madsen even borders on inspired, but for the most part it's bore central.
If you're under 40, or value NOT having the desire to gouge out your eyes, I'd suggest not seeing this movie.