12/3/05 - "Hilarity ensued."

Last night I lost some things. My cell phone (located), $15 (not located), my Star magazine that I had not yet finished reading (not located), and my mind (the search party is out on that one).I'm a person who enjoys the misfortune of others. Probably too much. I like to surround myself with people who share this attribute. The problem with that is then, when I go to do something stupid, there's no one to stop me. Because they're more interested in being amused than preserving my dignity. My poor, beleaguered dignity. I can't really complain, I'm the same way. It's just an unfortunate byproduct of being a caustic bitch at times.What I've had to come to terms with is the fact that I essentially rape myself. I'm in a situation, I realize it is completely not in my best interest at all, and part of me is screaming, "STOP! Don't go any further, speak up, say this isn't what you want, just say SOMETHING please." Then the other part chimes in, "Shhhh, it's too late now, don't make a scene." My mind goes somewhere else, and I quietly wait for it to be over. Sometimes I do stand up for myself and change what is happening. But sometimes I don't. The self-loathing associated with such decision-making really frightens me, because it's not something I'm consciously aware of. It's like a disease that's all symptoms, the cause of which is hidden somewhere my immune system can't dredge out.I'd like it on the record that I do not count this on my list. I count it as a drunken mess during which someone tried to penetrate me, I tried to be accommodating, I then came to my senses, and subsequently appeased with a blow job.I don't mean any of this in offense to the person who inspired this little diatribe, he's a good-looking kid who could be a perfectly nice person for all I know. I regret the scathing comments I made upon exiting my bedroom and being aurally assaulted by a chorus of friends chomping at the bit to make the first wisecrack. It was a defense mechanism. "So how was it?" "Ugh." "Sorry, I should have warned you." "Yes, you should have.""Are you going to post about this on livejournal later?""Ew. No.""Just a quick one, saying Something happened last night. I don't want to talk about it.""No, it's not even on my radar."I deadpan. They cajole. I walk away to wash the acrid taste of cum and disappointment from my mouth. Hilarity ensues.