Wednesday, March 5, 2008

6/30/04 - "He called."

Anthony called me tonight. I'm glad I didn't go out, because had I been doing something he would have just been like "well I'll talk to you some other time" or something equally hurried and awkward. He apologized for being a jerk as of late, and things are going really badly for him right now and he cried on the phone and I feel so ineffectual because I can't do anything to help. I want to just show up at his door and fold him into my arms and promise it'll all be okay. But I don't have a car, and he lives on a military base, so... I can't. Which really sucks. It's not a let's-get-back-together thing AT ALL, like not even close, it's just someone I love (you can't turn that off at will, unfortunately) who's in pain and I can't bear to stand idly by while they self-destruct. But I have no choice. And I guess we have to learn to deal with hardship without eachother, but... this soon out of the relationship there's some leeway in that department. Like an emergency clause or something.

Lately I had been feeling SO over-it-all, so well-fuck-him, but when he called and was upset I instantly wanted to kiss away his tears and hug his head to my chest and stroke his hair and do all I could to absorb his misery... That happened a few times over the course of our relationship, and it always had a combination effect of breaking my heart and strengthening the intimacy between us, because while talking to me wasn't his strong suit, he could cry on me, and that had to mean something. But distance and circumstance make that impossible now. And it's hard to come to terms with, not getting to be that person to him anymore.

No comments: