5/12/03 - "Vulnerability, the word of the day."

My weekend... goodness. If I could just live it over and over again until Anthony comes home from Thailand I would. Friday I woke up late, and called in to work to see if I could play hooky... I could, on the condition that I come in Monday, my "official" day off, because Kelley has a doctor's appointment. So me in all my instant-gratification-glory gave an emphatic yes, and am now not looking forward to the rather daunting prospect of working tomorrow when I have two projects that I brought home with me to work on very much not finished... I'm really sleepy though, so I think I'm going to type this up and then go to bed, so I can wake up and finish my work well-rested instead of all foggy-headed and emotional like I am right now.

Why foggy-headed and emotional? one might ask. Because I have a major thing for Anthony going on. I mean I guess it's not a "crush" because we're dating now and all, but that's how it feels to me. I feel like a school girl who gets all twitterpated at the very thought of him... When I'm with him things are great and I'm just ridiculously happy, it's when we're apart that I feel so silly and intoxicated with childish feelings I can only liken to crushing on a friend's older brother (something I'm rather skilled at; ie Hawken family). And we're about to be apart for three weeks... We've only known eachother (in real life, which is what counts in this situation) for two weeks, yet I'm getting all upset about him going away! Why did I have to be so dumb to fall for a guy when I KNEW he was imminently leaving the country? I swear, I have no foresight whatsoever...

So yeah. Friday I stayed home, read, Thor came over to pick up the lawnmower my mom had borrowed, and we talked and I told him about Anthony and he said he didn't think I should date someone from the Army... which really is like the funniest thing ever, because we can do a compare/contrast between the way Thor treated me and the way Anthony treats me and the civilian would come up very short, my friends... heh, just for fun let's do that right now.

Says nice things to me:
Thor uh practically never. Once he said "you look nice". After we broke up, when I got my hair cut this last time, he said I was really hot. Wow thanks.
Anthony in the last week he's said more nice things to me than Thor said in six months. Like "You're pretty" or "You're cool" (quantified with "The coolest"). But not in a dumb way, in a cute way, and whenever he says something nice I don't feel all weird like I normally do with complements. It just makes me really happy.

Has enough respect for me not to get drunk off his ass:
Thor oh we all know this is a massive failure.
Anthony I'll admit we haven't spent enough time together where there were opportunities to drink to be a real indicator, but so far both Wednesday night and Saturday night his friends were drinking massive qualities, and Saturday he had like two beers, I couldn't even notice any difference in him, and at one point when we were in his room he offered to just stay there together and not go down to the drinking at all. You can read some of this boys lj posts kramertoneman to see that he does enjoy getting blasted (I need to remember to ask about the pleather pants episode...), yet he seems to have that ever-elusive concept of moderation and self-control that Thor never seemed to get down.

Kisses me:
Thor When he was drunk, and on rare sober occasions. In general I was the one to initiate any kissing.
Anthony Often. And I don't even have to be sending kiss-me looks or vibes or anything, he just does it. SO nice!

Have similar interests:
Thor practically none. We both like watching silly reality tv shows... We both like to belch loudly. We both like cuddling... mmm and that's about it. We're off on religion, music, literature, most food, many movies... you know, pretty much anything that is important to me or brings me joy.
Anthony We like a lot of the same music (like Weezer, Ben Kweller, Pedro the Lion, 80's!), but also have enough differences to keep it interesting. He reads good books, books I have either read or would be interested in reading or I can at least respect. He likes international food like I do, or if he hasn't had it before he's at least ready and willing to try it. He watches good movies, and understands them. AND HE LIKES CARTOONS! I LOVE CARTOONS! You cannot even fathom how cool I think it is that he likes all these cartoons.

And I need to quit this. I'm not being very fair, or objective, and yeah it's a silly exercise really. I'm not really as bitter toward Thor as I'm sounding, I just can't understand why I put up with all I did for so long... Why I settled like that. I had promised myself I would never settle. Sure Thor and I got along well, had a great time together, I was attracted to him... but why did I invest so much time and effort into someone so clearly ill-suited for me? It's a mystery.

Anthony just does all the things that one would want a boy to do. When we're in bed, and I turn away from him, he snuggles up to me and puts his arm around me. And doesn't try to cop a feel, though I wouldn't mind if he did. When we're cuddling, he plays with my hair, like he'll twist it around in his fingers or just absent-mindedly play. He'll hold my hand in public. He pays for things, though I'm not going to let him keep doing that because I have issues with being a financial burden on people. I don't think guys should have to break the bank just to support a girlfriend; I'd rather just be with him then have him spend any money on me. But yeah, the fact that he does, when I'm pretty broke, is just nice. AND HE BOUGHT US CONCERT TICKETS! this is like the pinnacle great-boy thing for me, like he knew I wanted to go to Beck/Dashboard in June, and he wanted to go too he's a huge Beck fan, so he just bought us tickets. I'm telling you people, that is the way to my heart right there, buying me a ticket to see Dashboard Confessional. Perhaps you can all start to see why I'm so impressed with this young man.

So more of the weekend, sorry. I met Anthony in Tacoma (I was late... yeah I know), and we hung around talking about the very lame crowd of fourteen year olds at Club Impact, got inside, learned the band order (though it turned out to be wrong, but we were nice and speedy so it didn't matter) and then left to go to the mall to get Thai food takeout to bring back with us. So we sat in there listening to Rocky Votolato (who sounds so much like the Gin Blossoms it's concerning) and eating our Thai food, then went up closer to stand for Gatsbys set, which kicked ass I'm such a fan of theirs. We then went to the base and had to get me a special pass to drive on with, and in the process of going out to the van to get the registration I locked my keys inside. So like a trouper and without complaint he drove my all the way up to Kent and back to get the spare. Once we finally got to his room we hung out and just goofed off heh and eventually fooled around until very late, or early, something like 6am... When I'm with him I just don't feel like sleeping. We woke up around 11:30, eventually got up and dressed and went to IHOP, yummy, and then to Point Defiance, which I haven't been to since I was a kid and it was so pretty! We drove all around to the different areas, and ended up in the Sound Garden, walked along the beach, then climbed a tree and sat up there for a while. It was beautiful out and just so idyllic. Then we went to this antique shop near the park, and he was like if you like antiques we should hit the antique district or whatever in downtown Tacoma. So we went, and everything was about to close as it was pushing five o'clock, but we saw some cool things nonetheless and I was really impressed that he even knew of an antique district and how to get there... So we head back to base, and cuddle on his bed and drift off to sleep, because we really hadn't slept much... until his boisterous but enjoyable roommate comes home with his girlfriend and we decide it's best to wake up anyway, and we should get some food. We decide on Japanese (Thai was an option, despite having it the night before but it's just that good, but we figured that seeing as he was about to go to Thailand, perhaps something different might be nice), spend a considerable amount of time with the phone book and internet and finally locate one in Tacoma that doesn't sound too scuzzy. It was yummy. I like being places with him. That's kind of a dumb comment but I don't care.

Anyway, came back, hung out with his friends, watched cartoons, watched The Ring (which was scary, and good for a horror movie, but I wish I had never seen it. I would rather not have many of those images in my head. Plus the plot is really too reminiscent of Fear Dot Com for my taste), and ended up staying up all late again, despite me needing to leave relatively early in the morning to get back for Mother's Day. Ha don't worry, I won't even talk about Mother's Day.

We woke up late, and had a hurried and depressing morning, after such a glorious day and night, because I really didn't want to leave. Such ill-timed holidays. He may have been eager for some privacy, but I know that if I could have stayed with him until he had to be ready for the plane at 2 am, I would have. I can't explain it! He just makes me want to cleave to him. We've been "dating" since Wednesday. This is ridiculous.

And I'm finally done. This wasn't supposed to take nearly so long... but you know me. Never one for brevity.

Before I left I was searching through my purse for a piece of paper to write my address and stuff on, so if he gets a chance he can write or call or email me while he's gone... and he said just use the word-a-day calendar, kind of a joke, because it has words that your average second-grader should be familiar with... And the word was vulnerability. Which felt oddly appropriate to me.